baby steps to improvement

I'm sitting naked in shadows cast by the only light source in my silent bedroom wondering what I should mention of today's new adventure. My hair is still damp from the shower and guitar chords strum lightly in my ears. It's been a long day and I'm not used to the lack of time spent in this chamber.

I was surprised by the concern my former roommate showed as we spent our day together from noon until the snow fell at nine. I held back tears in front of the first counsellor I have ever shared my pain with and wondered what his children's names are. They are beautiful. He had a kind face, a soft voice and eyes that I trust within two minutes of speaking to him.

"Have you been eating too much? Too little?"
"I think about... a meal a day."
"Oh, that's not too much, is it..."

My first appointment is tomorrow morning thanks to a last minute opening. A lady named Chris will see me and determine whether or not I am as big of a cheat as I seem, seeing as how last minute my plea for help is. I hope she won't judge me; she is supposed to be ojective, but who will really know what she will think of me.

I hope I won't cry.

I am afraid of being alone this weekend. Four days of solitude, and I imagine it could be four days of not leaving my room, again.

"If you've already gone, why am i clinging?"

- Damien Rice, Elephant

oh, so let it go...

It's the strangest feeling coming out of the shower. You lose all sense of time; you have no concept of how long you've been been in the shower, what time it is and whether the sun might have sneakingly rose again. You just spent the last however long standing under running water while the rest of the world went about running errands, meeting deadlines, making phone calls, typing their lives away. I have to say, showering is my favourite part of the day. It's when I do my best thinking and when I'm calmest and most reposed.

It is incredible that I am able to spend 10, 15, 20, 30 minutes surrounded by the world's most natural resource. It's truly what we need most and it's all I need after a long day, any day, any time. A long hot shower and the sound of the water hitting the shower floor. Nothing else. Eyes closed. Naked, but warm.

I came out of the shower tonight to hear clanging in the kitchen and my roommate doing dishes; noise that I never want interrupting my day. In the shower though, nothing can interrupt me. And strangely, in the shower, I don't feel alone. I don't feel lonely. I feel alive.

If only my fingers don't turn into prunes so damn quickly.
That's when I know I need to get out.

Today was a strange day of power outage, snow, darkness, and tears. I wrote a letter that I no longer plan to deliver and made a phone call with awkward silences that I don't regret. Listening to Brand New is reminding me of memories from last year that doesn't make me cry. Everything is true in their words and applicable to my life and now I understand the effect relationships have on people. I'm a victim fallen to the result of a broken relationship. It's been seven months, but I am still coping, slowly but surely.

"Every line is about who I don't wanna write about anymore."

- Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't

waiting for my patience to run out

Today felt like as a good a day as any to write my first entry in this new blog. I don't want to wait anymore.

Lately, all my time has been spent waiting. I've been waiting for something to happen, waiting for someone to come to my rescue. Waiting. Just waiting. There is an undescribable difficulty in getting myself to initiate something. My lack of motivation to not only accomplish anything school-related but also to eat, sleep and socialize has turned me into a paranoid, depressed vampire. I'm not sure what the catalyst is, but it continuously strikes me around midnight and causes me sleepless nights in front of my computer. This weekend was an improvement in comparison to the state I was in on Friday.

But the biggest difficulty I face is the reality that I can't seem to fall out of love. I fell in love with someone who felt our relationship would set our priority into chaos. We struggle to stay together and to stay separated. I'm still waiting on the day when we can choose a one-way street with no option of turning back. I hope the decision will be for us to spend our lives together, but I'm out of guesses and assumptions. All I can do is wait.

I'm a third-year undergraduate student at a university where I am only a number. I detest the people with whom I spend nine hours of classes every week and likes this city from which I'm writing only because I don't have to share a room. I have a cold nose and cold feet but a warm heart that is breaking. I'm turning twenty in thirty-four days. This is the story of me, a girl who is lost in her own world and is always in love.